Skip to content

relationship

5 Affirmations Every Mom Should Hear From Their Husband Every Day. (Especially on Mother’s Day)

Photo by Debbie Brown brownstudios.com
Photo by Debbie Brown brownstudios.com

Moms are the best.

They supply the world with generous unconditional love. Moms deserve to know the impact of their work because the pressure of mothering can be heavy at times. Mommy guilt is the feeling moms get when they feel inadequate in their efforts to fulfill all the expectations in life. In those moments they worry about their priorities and feel they should have done something different. Husbands, you can’t prevent all of these feelings but you can greatly reduce them by affirming her. Sharing positive comments about your wife’s mothering skills is a great way to instantly improve your marriage. Notice her efforts and remind her of your love and gratitude for who she is and what she does. Share these five affirmations with your wife everyday for a wonderful marriage.

  1. You are a good mom. Parenting has a way of leading to self-doubt. When the frustrations of caring for kids overwhelm, it’s easy to be discouraged. Your wife should hear from you “you are a good mom.” If she protests, gently persist with specific examples.

  2. We can do this together. Marriage is a partnership in all aspects and parenting works best when it’s a team sport. Embrace the shared goal of raising kids into functioning adults. When she knows you are truly in it together, the load of the task is not quite as heavy.

  3. Your work is valuable. To really love your wife, affirm her efforts and daily activities. Tell her the actions she takes are noticed and you are grateful for her work. If your wife cares for your kids full time make sure to notice and affirm the little miracles she performs every day. Mothers who work outside the home need to feel supported and appreciated for their work at the office and raising kids.

  4. I love you. Affirming your love for her is always important. Sure, we overuse the word love for everything. “I love bacon, I love power tools, I love Netflix.” But declaring your love in a relationship IS special. Remind her daily of your commitment to love her. Simply saying “I love you” communicates you notice her and are emotionally available and responsive.

  5. It’s ok to rest. Mothering is exhausting and never ending. It’s also probably a lot of work being married to you. Mothers frequently have the internal pressure to continue performing and striving. That’s good, it ensures the survival of humanity. But mothers also need to know physical and emotional rest is appropriate. Give your wife the go ahead to rest and then get busy providing her the opportunity to rest when needed.

Affirmations work best when you use both words and actions. Telling her is good, showing her is awesome, doing both is magic.



You may also like: 5 Affirmations Every WIFE Should Hear From Her Husband Every Day. Learn what to say first when you give a compliment and what to say first when you are arguing. Hint: The subtle difference will make all the difference.

The Funny Thing About Humor in Marriage (And 6 principles for more fun in your marriage)

Laughing couple

Humor and fun are critical to a great marriage.

The more humor you have in your marriage the more fun your marriage will become. Having fun together is seriously one of the best things for strengthening your connection in marriage.

See what I did there? Fun is serious. So poetic.

I wish I could say life is always fun and only awesome things happen when you are married. Life has served my wife Hollie and I a dose of serious in the last few months. We’ve struggled at times to find humor in life in the midst of worry and uncertainty. In seasons of stress and chaos humor seems far away. It may take time to trudge through the desert but always be on the lookout for the oasis of humor in your marriage.

oasis

2 benefits of humor in your marriage.

  1. Laughing is healthy. I’m not a doctor but humor is good for your body. I came across a great article on the 7 Health Benefits of Laughter If you clicked on the link you will notice they suggested one of the benefits of laughing is an ab workout. That’s probably a bit of a stretch, I doubt anyone has ever developed a six pack simply from laughing. The other 6 seem legit and having fun is clearly good for your body.
  2. Having fun is well…fun. Having fun is a benefit enough. If you don’t have humor in your marriage you likely think marriage sucks. When you make your marriage fun you will like it more. You don’t have the wrong partner, your marriage is not a doomed, you simply have a fun deficit.

2 common ways couples fail at humor

Just like honesty, you can do humor wrong in marriage.

  1. Refrain from the humor blame game. Saying “It’s your fault we never have any fun” isn’t funny and it kills the mood. Blaming your spouse for the lack of fun in your marriage is damaging to your connection. If your marriage is dull, come together and think of a solution, not an excuse.
  2. Using your spouse as an object of critical humor is the worst. Many comedians specialize in putting people down as their brand of dark humor. This is a terrible idea for marriage. There is nothing worse than using humor to criticize. “I was just kidding” doesn’t even start to undo all the hurt from the cutting remarks you made to others at the expense of your spouse.

2 ways to regain humor in your marriage

  1. Remember the fun times you’ve had together. Recalling time in the past when you laughed is a good way to rekindle fun. Think of inside jokes and crazy stories you share. A while back I got locked in a bathroom at a funeral. The little bathroom was right next to the seating area of the funeral chapel. The door knob was old fashioned, the type that wobble too much. The door knob wouldn’t open the door. I panicked and shook the door knob as vigorously as possible to avoid disturbing the somber funeral gathering only feet away. I ended up knocking on the door while inside. Thankfully my wife rescued me by opening the door from the outside. We looked at each other wide-eyed and shared a silent-as-appropriate-for-a-funeral laugh.door knob
  2. Do something fun with your spouse today. Recently Hollie and I went to see comedian Ken Davis. It was a great way to relax and enjoy good humor together. It’s true, delaying pleasure to meet long term goals is a sign of self control and wisdom, but all work and no play makes a dull and boring marriage. There is deep wisdom in joy. Enjoying time with your spouse is one of the best investments you can make in life. You have permission to have fun with your spouse. Go get ‘em and have some fun. Today.

BONUS tip:

Have fun with other couples. A few years ago Hollie and I went to see the Tonight Show with Jay Leno in person. It was a blast seeing behind the scenes of the show and getting to shake his hand when he walked out on stage. The thing I remember most is how much the audience laughed. I enjoy a good Jay Leno joke but when I was in the audience live, I laughed at everything. Laughing with others is powerful and more fun.


If you are serious about having fun I have a recommendation: Listen to my friend’s podcast “Shop Talk with Ken

ShoptalkheaderMy friend Ken Moore is funny. His podcast “Shop Talk with Ken” is pure random fun. Listening to Ken’s podcast is almost as fun as hanging out with Ken. He’s a natural humorist, umm the word humorist sounds way too formal, simply said he’s a funny guy. I especially enjoy his podcast because it’s clean humor without all the crude of some comedy shows.

From time to time I write a funny blog post about marriage. For more fun check out these other funny posts from MakeSomeWonderful.com

The Miracle Technology Every Marriage Needs

6 Terrible Dating Techniques of Taco Bell Guy and What to Do Instead

A Hot Valentine’s Day

4 Steps to Overcome Loaded Loss.

Copyright: nailiaschwarz / 123RF Stock Photo
Copyright: nailiaschwarz / 123RF Stock Photo

 

Grieving death is a heartbreaking and difficult journey. It’s important to know how to maintain a great relationship even in times of grief. You may want to check out my recent post “what your spouse really needs in times of loss” Click here.

I believe in the power of healthy grieving. Understanding loss is a critical first step in grieving well; death is not the only loss people suffer. Loss is also felt when people experience traumatic events like abuse, illness, or disability. Unfortunately, these losses are often misunderstood in society and come loaded with shame and stigma. Many people find it difficult to express their grief related to their trauma and some have even been instructed not to talk about their trauma. You may not know the trauma experienced by those close to you. Tragically, for every well publicized traumatic event or sexual assault like that of Elizabeth Smart, many others go unreported.

Your experiences and the experiences of your spouse matter deeply to your marriage. Often the deepest hurts remain unspoken in an attempt to protect from the pain. In close relationships the emotionally raw and wounded areas are inevitably touched which can lead to relationship difficulties.

Sometimes traumatic losses are experienced by individuals long before getting married. For example: experiencing sexual abuse, neglect or abandonment, and substance abusing parents can be difficult to talk about. Working to address traumatic losses is a critical part of premarital counseling. The earlier in the relationship you can address traumatic loss in your life and that of your spouse, the better you can respond to each other in marriage. If a traumatic experience was not discussed prior to marriage but has come up now, you can still make some wonderful in your marriage. Find a counselor to help as you support each other through difficult emotions.

Other times traumatic losses are experienced by both marriage partners during the course of the marriage. For example: Miscarriage, overseas deployment, mental illness, or having a child with a disability deeply affect both partners and the marriage relationship.

When couples are facing a difficult loss, it’s important to work through the following steps to find a way forward.

1. Acknowledge the trauma. Go there, uncover the loss. Simply describing your pain can reduce its suffocating power. Refuse to stay silent about the pain. It won’t work to stuff your feelings, they will come out eventually especially with your spouse. Don’t keep your losses and related feelings from your spouse; it affects them too. When you become one with your spouse, your stories combine.

It’s often helpful to talk to someone safe who listens well who won’t dismiss your loss or feel threatened. It can be scary and unpredictable. Finding a counselor could make all the difference.

2. Allow grief. It may not look like others expect, but it’s important to express your current emotions. It doesn’t matter what other people think, it’s okay and healthy to have emotions.

3. Begin to heal. The emotional scars may never go away but the rawness of the wounds can heal. The loss you have experienced will always matter and influence you to some degree. No matter the pain, real healing can be yours.

4. Share your story. When appropriate, tell others about your loss and grief process. You are not alone, others have experienced similar loss. When you share your journey it will encourage others to address their trauma and work toward healing. I’ve been inspired by people who have shared their experiences, braving the shame of past abuse. The people I know have named their spouse as a major source of support through their grief and healing.

Warning: When talking about trauma and major losses that impact your life, its easy to get caught in the comparison trap. No matter what you have experienced it always seems like someone else has had it worse in some way. Stop comparing. Don’t dismiss your pain as inadequate or insignificant.

I’ve got awesome news. Traumatic losses are scary but facing them together with your spouse will fill your marriage with wonderful emotional intimacy. The richness of true connection is worth going into the depths of loss and is made possible by doing it well. Not only does it help the relationship to discuss difficult experiences, it helps to process and heal from the loss and trauma. Join with your spouse and journey grief together, your marriage will greatly benefit. The joy of intimate connection overcomes hurt.

What has helped you grieve losses in your life? What does healing feel like?

What Your Spouse Really Needs in Times of Loss

Copyright: pressmaster / 123RF Stock Photo
Copyright: pressmaster / 123RF Stock Photo

 


Experiencing heavy emotions like sadness is no fun. Dealing with the death of a loved one is no day at the amusement park. It’s difficult to see people in pain. It’s especially difficult to watch your spouse, the person you love the most, grieve.

When the times of loss come you may struggle with how to relate well to your spouse. Dealing with loss is a major hurdle in marriage relationships. Death and loss touches emotions otherwise untouched and can cause immense tension and conflict. The good new is a time of grief doesn’t have to be a time of disconnect in your marriage.

You can connect well and make some wonderful in your marriage, even in times of loss. The secret is to mourn with those who mourn. Romans 12:15. It sounds counter-intuitive; like doing nothing and denying help. It’s natural to want to make people feel better, to fix their pain, to provide a remedy, but fixing grief doesn’t work. What everyone, especially your spouse, needs in times of loss is someone to join them. Grieving with a grieving spouse is hard stuff but so rich.

How to give your spouse what they really need in times of loss: The 4 ways to mourn with those who mourn.

1. Provide space for grief. Provide space for your spouse by listening for them to share how they are feeling. It may be necessary to adjust your schedule to allow for the variety of complex emotions. Slow down and intentionally listen. Grief often comes in waves. Expect changing emotions and times with no emotions at all.

It may feel like listening is doing nothing and provides no relief for the grieving person. Listening and joining them in their grief is not nothing, it’s everything. Listening is the most profound thing you can do. You can’t fix the loss anyway. Restoration comes best when we have space to express emotions and others are near.

2. Validate emotion. Don’t dismiss or attempt to fix how people feel. Pay attention to how they feel rather than how expect them to feel. Please, don’t dismiss the pain and heartache of those around you. Well meaning Christians like to say dismissive things like “rejoice! it’s good when people die because they go to heaven and the funeral can get people to love Jesus.” The brutal message is that grieving and feeling sad is bad, a lack of faith, and unchristian.

For acquaintances, sympathy is fine, “sorry for your loss” is adequate. In close relationships, especially marriage, it’s critical to provide empathy rather than sympathy. Empathy is joining people where they are. When you spouse is grieving it may sound like “I’m not sure what to say, but I’m here to listen, I’m here with you.”

3. Keep at it. Repeat steps one and two, over and over with each new wave of grief. Loss is complicated and grief is never linear. It’s exhausting facing the pain and sadness of loss in each wave of grief. Expressing emotion and validating emotion by listening remains the most effective way to comfort even as time passes. Remember to participate in ceremony; funerals and memorials are deeply meaningful and helpful in the process of grief. If grief continues to significantly impair functioning for months, please seek additional help, contact a doctor or counselor if you suspect grief has expanded to major depression.

4. Tell them they are doing it ok. Many people worry they are doing grief all wrong. They don’t feel what they thought they would feel or are fearful of feeling anything. Everyone is different, every journey of grief and loss is different. There is enough shaming in the world, please, don’t shame people for how they grieve.

Celebrate!

Copyright: subbotina / 123RF Stock Photo
Copyright: subbotina / 123RF Stock Photo

Ever have one of those weeks that’s just like all the others? It wasn’t horrible, just unremarkable and kinda blah. The work-a-day world tends to take the color and excitement of life and dull it up a bit. We have all had ho hum days in our marriage, when the joy of relationship has withered.

Good news, your drudgery can change in one easy step. You can do it anytime, it doesn’t cost anything, it’s fun, and it will change everything.

Celebrate.

Yep, that’s all. Let it rip. Celebrate! Like the Kool & the Gang song says “Celebrate good times! Come on!”

I love watching NFL football one of my favorite parts is watching the touchdown celebrations. Nothing pumps me up like a crazy celebration in the end zone. When the player shows his excitement and the crowd erupts in celebration, we connect through the shared emotion.

When you and your spouse celebrate together you will connect through the shared emotion. Celebrating together is the best way to transform a blah marriage into a fun and vibrant marriage.

Counting blessings can be a part of finding something to celebrate, but don’t stop when you get a number. “Yep, counted my blessings today, came to 27 blessings”…yawn. How nice, and boring. Don’t just count your blessings, celebrate them. Pick one or pick a bunch of your blessings and celebrate. Throw a blessings party and tell your face to smile.

Hold on now, I’m not proposing you become the annoying person who insists everything is awesome when it’s clearly not. I’m a big advocate of authenticity. The overly cheerful person who masks all emotions with enthusiasm isn’t healthy. However, I’m tired of people who lack the creativity to find something or someone to celebrate. Don’t be so in control of your emotions that you miss all the opportunities to lose your mind in celebration. It doesn’t matter what you celebrate. It certainly doesn’t have to be anything huge, spontaneous celebrations for the little things often make for the best connection.

My wife and I are deep into the parenting adventure called potty training. We are getting closer to the diaper-free promised land. A major part of our potty training strategy is the potty dance. When our son successfully uses the toilet we perform the potty dance. We clap, throw our arms in the air and spin around all while shouting “yeah!” It’s pretty ridiculous, but it works. Our son loves it, we connect through the emotion, and that motivates him to perform. Celebration transforms drudgery (even the drudgery of going to the bathroom) into something wonderful.

When others celebrate, join in. No one wants to celebrate alone. Rejoice with those who rejoice, Romans 12:15.

Please share what you celebrated this week, I would love to celebrate with you.
Celebrating is more fun together.

Yes! I want to learn how to Make Some Wonderful in my marriage.




Close